miseraudax ;  
➒ a letter meant to be read only once my character is dead

Dearest ‘Ponine, 

The drunken cynic is dead! Roam the streets and frolic wildly! I’m joking, please don’t. This is just a difficult letter to write considering the circumstances of me most likely not breathing when you read it. So, here are just a few things I wanted to tell you. (There are many, be wary). 

1. I love you. Did you know that? I really don’t think I’ve told you that enough. You’re a wonderful person. Truly. You’re… Were, my best friend. I don’t think I was good enough to you and I am sorry for that. You do deserve better than what you’ve gotten. I think you’re amazing. 

2. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I FUCKING LOVE YOU TO DEATH. (too early for death puns?)

3. Okay, here we go. Writing seriously. Would you mind letting my parents know? I mean I remember telling you where they live and I don’t know if they’d care or not. But tell them for me okay? I need them to know that I died. I need them to fucking feel something.

4. Enjolras. (Yes, yes I know you saw this coming sooner than later.) Please remind him that he’s very loved. That he was one of the greatest, most passionate people I’d ever met. Tell him I love him, so much more than he realized. I’m sorry my heart was too weak for him.

5. Everything has suddenly become extremely more valuable to me now that I know I’m dying. I mean, this was bound to happen. Heart transplants aren’t particularly the best experience. I truly wish that I could’ve had more time to tell you more. That I appreciated everything you did for me. Letting me sleep on your couch when I couldn’t make it home, listening to my Apollo rants, attending Angel Olsen concerts with me.. Your company was glorious. I will miss you so much.

6. Please give Enjolras his letter (it’s ten pages stapled to the back of this one.. I’m sorry yours is only three pages but EPONINE. IT’S… it’s him. HIM. )

7. I’m sorry I wasn’t a good enough friend to you. I wish I had time to tell you how much you mean to me and how lovely, intelligent and amazing you are. God, seriously.. You’re brilliant. 

8. If I do have a funeral, please play the video of me drunkenly singing “Come On Eileen” and changing ‘Eileen’ to ‘Ponine’. Please tell me you still have it on your laptop? Come on, ‘Ponine? That was comedy gold. ( I highly doubt someone would hold a funeral for me. Just throw my lifeless body into a sack and toss it in the ground.. I’m just being morbid now..)

9… You can keep my paintings. You can sell them or ask people to dispose of them, but basically that and paint supplies are all yours.

10. Last but not least.. Everyone else. Joly, Courfeyrac, Jehan and Combeferre, Feuilly, Bossuet, Cosette, Marius.. Tell them I wish them the best and that their friendship meant the world to me. 

Thank you for dealing with me for so long Eponine. It’s been a long road, hasn’t it? Pretty bumpy and full of random collisions. I suppose I’ll be in a better place. Away from the pain. I want you to know that I am happy now. This was inevitable and we both knew that. The condition is obviously fatal though I’m sorry I’m leaving you. 

I’m so so so sorry. 

I love you. 

I truly do. 

Remember that you’re beautiful and strong and the raddest gal in France, okay? 

- R. 


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